I want to go on a plane. A 17 hour non stop ride. Surrounded by crying babies and smelly shoes, rubbery food and fake smiles.
I want to go eat a cake at a cafe. Sit next to a family of 6, with boisterous kids spilling milkshakes. Stare at the cloyingly coy couples sharing a truffle. I want to go to a pub. A loud one where your glass vibrates with all the extra bass. Curse the inane music and the uncouth people. And dance next to a thousand armpits. I want to go to a kid’s birthday party. With soggy chips and coloured drinks. With a million small feet scampering along. With tired adult smiles and stolen glances at the watch. I want to go meet a friend. Crib to him about why we needed to meet when we could have just messaged. Get high and silly. Try to walk in a straight line on the bar. And fail. I want to drive to work. An hour each way. And go to work in an office building. With glass walls, grey concrete views and cafeteria sounds. I want to go to a faraway place. Where the monks and peddlers crowd the streets alike, where the bells chime all day long and where all the people can do is drink tea and eat noodles to pass the evening. I want to go live on a ship. For 30 days and 30 nights. Get sea sick and drink rum. Sing and swear like a sailor. I want to go to that chilly place. Where you need to take your gloves off to swipe your phone on. Where your hands can’t leave your pockets. And where you dream of the fire. I want to go to the mountains. Camp under the stars, next to the river and talk about how many mosquitoes there are. I want to go someplace alone, meet some strangers, shake some hands, share some hugs and feel all over again that we all suck, in different ways, but equally. Instead I am in my balcony. Watching the clouds float and the trees sway while the breeze softly ruffles my son’s hair. Haha, kidding. He’s screaming for dinner.
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Apart from learning that I have the privilege to think about things I have learnt during the lockdown, these are some of the [mostly irrelevant] things life at home has taught me:
At the Work Desk First, get off the bed and sit on a chair. This might be the only relevant piece of advice in the whole post. When you hear “I love you too” on your conference call, it’s not some new found love your colleagues have for you. They are talking to their kids. Or pets. Sometimes, even their spouses. So, don’t give in to the urge to profess your love back. Wear clothes to your work desk. Always. Even when you aren’t on a video call. It’s a good practice and helps you continue some of the non-quarantine beliefs you held before, viz. that you do meaningful work that’s changing the world. Don’t miss out on gossip sessions. Make it a point to do a few coffee break conference calls with your buddies from work. There is no greater bond than the bond of hating the same people at work. And we all know bonds are extremely important, especially in a sinking economy. In the Kitchen Never ask your kids how they want something cooked. They will tell you. Ooooh, they will. But there is a 99.75 % probability that it is not what or how they like to eat it. If you do an “Awesome things to cook” pareto, french beans are that one thing that end up so far down the tail, there is absolutely no reason for them to continue to exist. The effort it takes to cut them into small pieces, the amount of cooking time, the whining from your kids on how they look like chillies - make this an absolute non starter. The kind of arm workout you get while trying to scrape the bottom of your freshly made (read over-cooked) Upma pan is roughly the equivalent of 12*3 dumb bell rows. Never put two pressure cookers on the stove at once. You, in all your corporate double hatting glory, might think you are saving time. What you actually end up with is a) not knowing the origin of the whistle and b) two burnt cookers, the cleaning of which is the equivalent of 12*6 dumb bell rows. Life and Style Stay away from people who encourage you to learn/ do/ experience something new during this time. These are the ones that have live-in maids and obedient kids who are mopping the floor while said person is experiencing the new thing. On the other hand, actively encourage your spouse to do this. I have had awesome made-from-scratch bread and pizza happen in my kitchen. Lastly, and most importantly, Let It Be. As the great Oogway says [since my son just watched this for the 23rd time during this quarantine] “Quit, don’t quit; Noodles, don’t noodles; Don’t be too concerned about what was and what will be”. There are things not in our control, like the TV remote and then there are things that are in our control, like knowing where the cookies are hidden. Reach for what gives you peace. Here's a post I had put up on Linkedin...
I am not really known for my sarcasm (I mean, not on LinkedIn anyway!), but I want to take the opportunity of a momentary lull in my work day to jot this down. A piece on corporate etiquette. Corporate Etiquette - The Basics When you pass by someone whom you’ve interacted with before, say hello or at least smile. Don’t look through them or pretend you don’t remember them. This is not a 3rd grade mating game. Your personality type is not an excuse - this is part of creating a friendly work culture. And it’s on everyone - from the top boss man to the finance guy (not that I am suggesting the spectrum falls into this, just making a side point). Before you get into the lift, wait for those inside to walk out. If the lift stops at a floor that’s not yours, you are right at the doors, and you see no one in front of you, it means someone behind you wants to get out. Step out of the lift. Yes, this action is possible and allowed - the lift will not forget to pick you up later. Also, on the lift thing, if you are wearing a backpack, don’t use it to squash people’s noses. Personal space - yes, it’s a thing and it’s real - get acquainted with it, even if you can’t make friends with it. Lunch at the pantry - oh this one’s my favourite! Don’t spend hours at the lone microwave oven servicing the entire pack of hungry wolves on the floor. Put all your million dabbas in at one go, stay away from the bake option, and find a way to get your food in and out under 55 seconds. Yes, there’s science behind the number. The most basic and yet most lacking - Respect other people’s time. Accept meeting invites or decline. Don’t leave people hanging. When you accept, turn up on time. When you don’t, suggest an alternative, or inform them you don’t think it’s necessary for you to attend. I would love to elaborate on respecting other people’s work, in addition to time. That would, however, fall under the Dark Fantasy genre and not fit in with the Humour/Satire genre I am gunning for here. Don’t, and I mean absolutely don’t, comment on when people leave work. You don’t know when they arrive and you definitely don’t know what they have delivered. I know it’s difficult because all the gazillion coffee and samosa breaks give you brain fog, but take a deep breath and - Just. Don’t. Take notes. For Batman’s sake, take notes. Don’t walk in and out of meetings as if they were a discussion on government policy. They aren’t. There is a purpose - even if it is hard to find most of the time. And lastly, the curse of open offices decoded - don’t stop by to interrupt people when you see them looking intently at their laptop. It may even be work, you can never be too sure. It’s bad enough that you can spy on them, don’t push it by making them talk to you when all they want to do is check how long they can go without blinking. That’s all folks! Keep refreshing and there might be more! |
Aishwarya KalakataThe loss of and search for individualism has never been felt more acutely. Everything changed after I had a kid. But this blog is not about me being a mom. It’s about the things I do when I want to stop being a mom. It’s about telling myself that it is possible and that it is ok. It’s about my little escapades. Mostly travel - sometimes physical, sometimes mental. A desperate bid to stop my identity from being rolled into a single word. CategoriesArchives
March 2021
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